Author's Note: For the month of October, having already covered the Halloween series in its entirety- click here for a list of all the links (scroll down below the first pic of Tom Atkins) - this time around, I'll be covering a host of horror movies set in and around the month of October, with a few of them actually taking place on Halloween itself.
Interestingly, there are fewer movies than you'd think that meet this requirement: Christmas-themed horror flicks actually handily win that particular battle. But there are more than enough to get a month of reviews out of it, so that's what I'm going with this year. Hope you enjoy it.
On a side note, I entered a Stephen King-themed contest, involving writing a host of reviews of films based on his books and stories. If I win, I'll be tackling that towards the end of the month, but I won't know until around October 19th, so I'm just going to do this until I know for sure whether I've won, because I might not end up doing that, anyway.
But if I do, obviously, you can look for the latter half of the month to transform into being King-themed instead of continuing to be October/Halloween-themed. I'll keep you posted. Until then, here's one last review before I start the festivities in earnest!
To say the least, the films of writer/director Jim Jarmusch are an acquired taste. Kind of like a hipster version of David Lynch, they are often heavily stylized, slow-moving, and typically not exactly brimming with action. His most beloved films include Stranger Than Paradise, Down by Law, Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (frequently cited as the one film that people like who don't typically like Jarmusch's work), Broken Flowers and Only Lovers Left Alive.
It was during the shooting of the vampire-themed Lovers, an atypical genre exercise for Jarmusch, that star Tilda Swinton suggested that he might want to consider tackling the zombie sub-genre next. After helming the critically-acclaimed Paterson, which was nominated for over 20 awards, including a nod at the Cannes Film Festival for the Palme d'Or, Jarmusch did just that, assembling arguably his most high-profile cast to date, which is saying something, if you're familiar with his prior casts. Or, as the poster puts it: "The Greatest Zombie Cast Ever Disassembled!"
In addition to Swinton, Jarmusch also-rans include: Bill Murray (Broken Flowers- naturally, his previous foray into the subgenre, Zombieland, is referenced), Adam Driver (who was the lead in Paterson- there are also multiple nods to Star Wars, for obvious reasons), RZA (who was in Coffee & Cigarettes with Murray- his day job IRL is amusingly referenced by his day job in this movie, where he plays a "WU-PS" driver- see what they did there?), Steve Buscemi (Mystery Train), singer Tom Waits (Down by Law), Rosie Perez (Night on Earth- she plays a reporter here by the name of "Posie Juarez," lol), Chloë Sevigny (Broken Flowers) and Eszter Balint (Stranger Than Paradise).
New recruits include: Danny Glover (the Lethal Weapon series), Carol Kane (Scrooged, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt), Caleb Landry Jones (Twin Peaks: The Return, Friday Night Lights), former Disney stars Selena Gomez and Austin Butler (both from The Wizards of Waverly Place- Butler also had a recurring role on Hannah Montana and plays "Tex" Watson in Tarantino's Once Upon a Time in Hollywood), Luka Sabbat (Grown-ish), Taliyah Whitaker (See You Yesterday, Roxanne Roxanne), Jahi Di'Allo Winston (Everything Sucks, Proud Mary), appealing newcomer Maya Delmont and legendary rocker Iggy Pop, who, of course, plays a zombie.
The plot is pretty standard zombie movie fare: a small town finds themselves experiencing progressively weird occurrences, including tech malfunction, oddly extended daylight hours, the mass disappearance of animals and the attack of two employees of a local diner by a wild animal- or is it an attack by "several wild animals"? Deputy Ronnie Peterson (Driver) has an idea, possibly not uninformed, that it might be zombies, but doesn't seem very phased by it, save his recurring insistence that "this is all gonna end badly."
Here, the cause is "polar fracking," which has caused the planet to tilt slightly off its axis or orbit or something like that, which is strenuously denied by Republican politicians, because of course it is. Obviously, this is a not-too-subtle reference to climate change deniers, as well as a plea by Jarmusch that we need to do more about environmental concerns, which is absolutely right. Tellingly, it's the youngest members of the cast- not including the kid zombies, of course- that recognize the threat for what it is, and also are the most proactive about getting the hell out of dodge.
The rest opt to stay and fight, led by Sheriff Cliff Robertson (Murray), Peterson and fellow officer Minerva Morrison (Sevigny), with an able assist from "weird" newcomer and local mortician Zelda Winston (Swinton), who wields a mean Katana, just like a certain dreadlocked zombie-fighting warrior we all know and love. Local shopkeeper Bobby Wiggins (Jones, perfectly cast) wises everybody to the rules, being an avid Romero fan: "kill the head." Things proceed accordingly, with lots of celebrity carnage along the way until few are left standing, as per usual with these movies.
As you might have guessed, if you're familiar with Jarmusch's previous work, all of this happens in his patented laconic, laid-back, completely deadpan style, which may rub some people the wrong way, to say the least- as in anyone expecting people to flip out and lost their shit. Aside from Sevigny- and even that is kind of out of nowhere and almost plays as a tweak on the typical "girl freaks out and puts herself in danger" trope- pretty much everyone keeps their cool all the way through the movie, even when they're about to be eaten.
This apathetic attitude may well result in apathetic viewers, who find themselves completely unaffected by the entire affair, which has long since been a criticism of Jarmusch's oeuvre, where the characters are often too cool to express any overt emotions on the whole. That's just his particular schtick, and if it doesn't work for you in the early stages of the movie, the film as a whole probably won't either, as he maintains the vibe throughout.
I suppose one could make a case for this being a satire of the zombie subgenre, and to a certain extent it is- there's way too many in-joke references for it not to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek (i.e. Gomez' character drives the same car as Barbara & Johnny in the opening of Night of the Living Dead, Pittsburgh is referenced, as is Romero, and Dawn of the Dead, via the zombies' return to things they loved as humans, albeit updated to include more modern things like "wi-fi," "Oxy" and cell phones).
But overall, it comes off like Jarmusch's heart isn't quite in it, which makes the film seem kind of half-assed, down to the meta asides, such as when after the title track, by country musician Sturgill Simpson (who also has a cameo as "Guitar Zombie," which is just what it sounds like), plays for the second time and Murray's character says it sounds familiar, and then Driver's character replies: "You have. It's the title track." "The title track to what?" "The movie." See what they did there?
Even the ending is done with a shrug, in spite of what could have been an interesting twist, as if the only goal was to fulfill Ronnie's repeated proclamation that this, in fact, was not going to end well. Mission accomplished, I guess, but maybe not in the way intended. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's perfectly watchable film, especially with that cast, but it's probably not going to win Jarmusch any new fans, in spite of it having the widest release and biggest gross of any of his prior films.
It's kind of hard to explain to new fans, but Jarmusch's films just have a certain vibe to them that you either are on board with right away or you aren't. Otherwise, much like the disgruntled hotel owner, you'll probably dismiss it as "hipster bullshit." Which it kind of is, really. But it's "hipster bullshit" that knows it's "hipster bullshit," so I suppose that's something. Whether or not that something is just plain shit, I'll leave up to the respective viewers, but for the record, opinions seem to be divided almost right down the middle, according to the sources I just checked, which seems about right.
I suppose I liked it for what it was, but I'd hardly call it one of Jarmusch's best efforts, that's for sure. My favorites are the ones I mentioned at the top of the article, though I enjoyed Mystery Train and Night on Earth quite a bit as well, thanks in no small part to their equally quirky casts and great soundtracks. In addition to Simpson's fun theme song, Jarmusch's band SQÜRL does the score honors here, as they did with his previous horror effort Only Lovers Left Alive, and it's worth a listen.
I'd say check it out if you love a quirky zombie flick, or if you're a big fan of any of the main cast, or of Jarmusch in general, but keep your expectations low and know that the tone set early on is the tone of the movie, period, and don't expect that to change once the zombies run rampant. If you can make your peace with that then you'll probably enjoy it for what it is- a moderately enjoyable zombie movie with a wry sense of humor, but nothing groundbreaking (so to speak) or game-changing.
But hey, if you ever wanted to see Iggy Pop as a zombie (not much of a difference, lol) or Selena Gomez have her head cut off, you've come to the right place! 😲
Author's Note: Hi, all! I'm back, and ready to get back to it, but all I was able to watch while I was gone was mostly a lot of TV and the occasional bad film on the various movie channels on satellite TV I had access to and on-demand stuff. I'd seen most of the Hollywood blockbuster-type flicks, so I went with the weirder stuff I wasn't familiar with, and watched a few things online in the limited time I had computer access.
As you might have guessed, this led me to some pretty bad stuff, but I figured, what the hell, might as well review some of it, in my now-patented "quick cut" style, as opposed to doing something more in-depth, especially in that nothing I watched really warranted such treatment. Further, I haven't yet had time since I've been back to watch anything to review, and it's been a while since I've posted, so this seemed like a decent stopgap effort to buy some time until I did.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: horror fans aren't that different from rom-com fans or fans of Hallmark Xmas movies or Lifetime's true-crime dramas- we know some of what we're going to watch will likely be bad and by-the-numbers, but we just can't seem to help ourselves. What are you gonna do? Besides, my options were pretty limited at the time.
Anyway, I'll be back to the normal schedule soon enough. Thanks for hanging in there, and for those who care, everything's back on track with the fam as well. Hopefully, all will be well in the immediate future, too, but we'll just have to wait and see on that one. In the meantime, I'm back, lightly tanned (I was in Florida, in case I didn't mention that) and ready to get back to it! 😎
Let's get it started!
Easily the best of the movies I watched, Tragedy Girls is one of those movies that comes along every once in a blue moon that speaks to my dark heart in a way few teen movies do, with the notable exceptions of the classic Heathers and Jawbreaker. As everyone who knew me then knows, I was a bit of an introvert- still am, really- and only truly connected with a few rarified individuals with like-minded interests, most of which made us fellow outsiders.
If anything, I'm really glad I slipped under the radar of the sea change that occurred almost immediately after my graduation, as helicopter parenting and cell phone/texting/ nude pic sharing/et. al became a thing in earnest. If I hadn't, I don't know I would have survived high school- it was bad enough without all that stuff.
Also, I imagine I probably would have been classified as being "problematic" or whatever, in spite of the fact that I never would have laid a hand on anyone. Hell, the few fights I got into, I had my ass handed to me, so believe me when I say I wasn't chomping at the bit for more, nor did I really resent the people I fought with- I fully had it coming and knew it. That's what happens when you're a snarky smart-ass, lol. Fortunately, now I get to do it from the safety of my own home, so at least one good thing did come out of the computer revolution. 😀
Anyway, Tragedy Girls is basically Heathers with a gender flip- instead of a straight couple, we have two girls, at least one of which may have genuine romantic feelings for the other one. They're longtime best friends obsessed with all things serial killers, to the point that they are attempting to ferret out a local one, not so much to catch him and bring him to justice, as to entrap him and pick his brain about why he does what he does and how he manages to keep doing it without getting caught.
This is because the girls have psychotic tendencies, and are interested in furthering them- but without drawing attention to themselves, of course. That said, this is the age it is, so they still want a certain kind of attention, nonetheless: social media followers for their true crime blog. Basically, they want to come off as dedicated crime-solvers willing to go the extra mile that the local cops won't to catch a killer, which, technically, is true, as they really are after a serial killer. However, in the pursuit of such, they end up breaking quite a few rules in a decidedly questionable manner.
I don't want to give too much away beyond that, but suffice it to say, things get dark, but also in an amusing way. This is black comedy played just right- not the easiest thing to pull off, for those of us familiar with such things. For every good one, there's an awful lot of bad ones. Fortunately, this is one of the best I've ever seen, in so far as straddling the line between horror and comedy. It's neither as broadly silly as, say, any given entry in the Scary Movie franchise, nor an outright horror film. That said, while it's not really scary, per se, it is tremendously entertaining.
Co-produced and co-starring comedic actor Craig Robinson, of The Office and Brooklyn Nine-Nine fame, the film is the latest from editor-turned-writer/director Tyler MacIntyre (Patchwork, which I now really want to see as well). Unlike another film on this list (see #Horror, if you must), MacIntyre uses just enough modern technology to get his point across, but deep down, this is basically just a teen movie with a psychotic twist.
The fact that both the girls manage to remain likeable even as they start doing more and more despicable things- and they start out at questionable as it is, to say the least- is a testament to the two actresses playing them, Brianna Hildebrand (of TV's The Exorcist and the Deadpool movies) and Alexandra Shipp (of the more recent X-Men movies and Straight Outta Compton). I mean, hell, I was kind of rooting for them to get away with everything by the end, even though IRL I'd be decidedly repulsed by the things they did- within or without of context. That's movies for you.
In addition to starring Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Storm, the film also features a lot of other genre faves, including Jack Quaid, son of Dennis and actress Meg Ryan, currently in the superheroes-gone-bad opus The Boys, and a vet of The Hunger Games, as is his co-star here, Josh Hutcherson. They play love interests for each of the girls that are a point of contention for both, likely as a direct result of their own unresolved feelings towards one another. Yet another superhero film vet, Kevin Durand, of Wolverine fame, as well as TV's Lost, The Strain and Swamp Thing, plays the serial killer that is the object of the girls' affections, such as they are.
Other cast members include horror vet Nicky Whelan (Halloween II, TV's From Dusk Till Dawn), Elise Neal (Scream 2, Logan), Austin Abrams (The Walking Dead, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark) and Timothy V. Murphy (Sons of Anarchy, Westworld). The film also features plenty of horror movie references- notably a murder inspired by, of all things, Cannibal Holocaust- and, of course, lots of real-life serial killer nods, many of which are done in amusingly cutesy ways, using new-tech animation. It's all very Post-Millennial/Gen Z, but, in this case, in a good way. Can't recommend this one enough.
An example of Gen Z horror done the wrong way is this arthouse flick- in every sense of the word- that marked the directorial debut of actress/fashion designer/artist Tara Subkoff (The Cell). According to the info I read, Subkoff asked one of her daughter's teen friends what she found the scariest in real life, and she replied: bullying, especially of the cyber variety. With this in mind, Subkoff hammered out a script, which was then rewritten by friend Casey Barnhart.
The plot, such as it is, revolves around a group of tween girls that have a sleepover in which they pass the time in typical slumber party fashion before things get ugly and they start to turn on one another. Eventually, they send one girl packing, out into the literal cold, as she tearfully calls her dad for help when she gets lost in the surrounding woods.
Soon thereafter, someone starts picking off the girls one by one, along with some of the adults concerned. Is it the ousted girl seeking revenge? Her father? One of the other girls? One of the parents of the other girls? Or is it the former owner (and designer) of the house, who reportedly went crazy and killed his entire family when he lived there and then escaped, never to be seen again?
The answer doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out, but boy, does Subkoff fumble the ball nearly every step of the way here, not in the least in the way she films the murders, which are almost wholly lacking in any kind of suspense. Only the one on the lighted tennis court shows some promise, but even that is mishandled in the end.
But the film's worst offense by far is the one many other horror films as of late have been guilty of: the characters are all so unlikable that you end up rooting more for the killer than any of them. I'm not kidding. These girls all seem to genuinely hate each other, leading one to wonder why they're friends in the first place.
Also confusing is the website they seem obsessed with- is it strictly a place for people to go to for the express purpose of putting each other down? Or is that just what the girls are using it for? And why single out one of the girls to get the boot, when they're all pretty horrible? The only sense I could make of that was that she was the poorest of the bunch, being on a scholarship, but it seemed like her family was still relatively well off, all things considered, so she might just have earned that scholarship, rather than it being a charity case or whatever.
Also, the way the film is edited is hella confusing- ironic, considering it took longer to edit than shoot (18 days vs. seven months!) - and the script could have definitely used at least another draft before shooting commenced. That said, the cinematography (by Learan Kahanov) is admittedly pretty great, and the art installations and paintings that are all over the house (which were expressly commissioned for the film by a bunch of well-respected artists) are easily the best things in the movie, visually stunning and almost justify seeing the film in the first place. The use of art is the best I can recall seeing this side of Messiah of Evil, and that's saying something. But alas, #Horror is no Messiah of Evil.
Unfortunately, the mostly young cast is incredibly amateurish, even by young actors' standards, with only maybe Haley Murphy, who plays the (justifiably) ostracized Cat, showing any real promise. This is borne out by the fact that she's the only one of the girls with any sort of consistent employment before or after she did this film- for most of the other girls, this film is their sole credit.
And don't be fooled by the big names listed in the cast, such as Chloë Sevigny, Timothy Hutton, Natasha Lyonne, Taryn Manning, Balthazar Getty and Lydia Hearst- most of them have only one brief scene, with only Sevigny and Hutton having anything of substance to do, and believe me, neither of them are doing their best work here. Indeed, Hutton in particular, seems to be gunning for Nicolas Cage territory in his over-the-top turn as Cat's father- though, I will say the scene in which he terrorizes the girls after Cat goes missing is verging on worth the price of admission.
But the film is so actively busy with new tech flourishes throughout, between the mental overload of the title credits, and the seizure-inducing flashes of the girls' online activities, that it's like watching old-school MTV music videos on speed- there's such a thing as information overload, you know. And yet, there's precious little information being put across in these scenes- they're just there to be eye-catching, really.
Only the ending montage really imparts any valid info, and by doing it that way, it's sort of anti-climatic. Maybe that was the point? As in, the killer did all that they did to be Insta-famous, when chances are they'll be forgotten by the following week? Who can say?
I'd say this is what happens when an artist makes movies, but I've seen some great ones, notably the work of Julian Schnabel, a friend of Subkoff's- ironically, his daughter, Stella, is in the movie. Maybe Subkoff should have let Schnabel do the honors instead, given what an amazing piece of work The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is. Perhaps he could have done something more interesting for the film beyond providing art and his offspring.
Either way, if you must see this, I'd say put on the pretty decent soundtrack by techno artist EMA, turn down the sound and listen to that instead and just watch the film for the visuals, with maybe a pause when Hutton comes in and does his whack-job schtick or for any actor you might be watching this for, if you must. Trust me, you won't be missing much- it's basically just a scary art installation trying to have a plot and failing miserably, anyway.
Maybe Subkoff should stick to art- it's clearly what she's good at. Or, at the very least, let someone else write the script next time. She's not without promise as a director, but boy, is this a trainwreck of a movie, and not in a good way. It's a hard pass for me. 😝
Another too-cool-for-school horror movie with incredibly unlikable characters, L.A. Slasher is, at the very least, self-aware of its inherent bad-ness. I mean, one of the characters, played by Mischa Barton (of The O.C. fame), even flat-out says that she and her friend are "exactly the kind of person the killer is looking to take out." And, of course, she's absolutely right.
In the film, a masked slasher is stalking the most self-involved and sleazy of Hollywood types, from reality TV stars to sleazy producers to pop stars and so on. Showing its hand early on that it could give less of a shit about its characters, none of them even get names, and instead are identified by their "jobs," i.e. The Actress (Barton), The Mayor (Eric Roberts), The Popstar (Drake Bell), The Reality Star (Brooke Hogan) and so on.
This one probably has the most high profile cast of the films I'm reviewing, what with the cast also including Dave Bautista, Danny Trejo, Tori freaking Black (as "The Teen Mom," no less!) and, God help us all, Andy Dick as the L.A. Slasher himself. None of them get much of a showcase here, though Bautista and Trejo are good for a few laughs as hapless drug dealers- I probably would watch a buddy comedy starring the two of them, I admit. But Andy Dick as the killer? Good God no.
As such, it's impossible to take any of this seriously, with Dick's ridiculous narration throughout, and every character being more despicable than the next, it's impossible to root for anyone, including the killer, which is a new one for me. I mean, even with a lot of newer horror films, while you don't give a crap when the vile characters get killed, you can at least root for a swift death for them at the hands of a merciless killer.
Here, the killer doesn't even finish the job half the time, and is content just to torture them a bit and let them go after "teaching them a lesson." Would you want to be taught a lesson by Andy Dick, who's one to talk? Didn't think so. Not that he's playing himself, mind you, but it's hard not to think of him when you're constantly hearing his whiny voice throughout the film. Talk about annoying- I couldn't wait for someone to turn the tables on him and kill him, even if it was freaking Mischa Barton. Alas- spoiler alert- such is not the case.
I also didn't get the rhyme or reason behind the killer killing some and not others. One could make the case that he only kills one of the guys to protect his location, but it seems like he kills the others because they're more obviously sexually active- the Teen Mom did porn (imagine that!), so she is hacked to death with an axe, and The Stripper is, well, a stripper, so she's killed as well. I mean, it's standard operation procedure in a slasher for the sexually active to be killed, but why does he let the others go, when they're just as guilty as anyone else, save maybe The Actress? Certainly The Producer had it coming- Harvey Weinstein, anyone?
I suppose it's idiotic to expect logic from such a goofy film. But the thing is, the premise did have promise- who among us hasn't been annoyed by, say, a reality TV star? Or a socialite? Or a sleazy producer or politician? We might not want them dead IRL, per se, but this is a movie we're talking about. Why not go for broke? L.A. Slasher just doesn't have the courage of its convictions, and that's why the film falls flat.
Well that, and the annoying overall tone of the thing and the iffy script. Though there are a few amusing lines of dialogue here and there, most of it is as clichéd as the characters, who are literally more types than actual characters, given that none of them have actual names. It's almost like the script was a post-Millennial Mad Lib with a slasher theme that the writer didn't bother to fill in the blanks on.
In the area of "if you can't say something nice...," I suppose there's something to be said, once again, for the appropriately glitzy, colorful cinematography, by Chase Bowman, which has more primary colors than Suspiria-era Argento. The film also boasts a score by none other than the Emmy-winning Mac Quayle, of Mr. Robot and American Horror Story fame, which is pretty solid.
As with #Horror, maybe watching this with the sound off and the score on might be the way to go- at least then you don't have to listen to Dick's whiny ramblings or the other characters self-involved nonsense. Maybe pause it to watch Bautista and Trejo riff, but otherwise...meh.
So, yeah, another hard pass for this one, sorry to say. 😜
I didn't really expect much with this one, and TBH, I didn't really get it, but you know what? I still really kind of enjoyed it. Unlike #Horror and L.A. Slasher, which have delusions of grandeur and set out to be all artsy-fartsy and unique, but only ended up being eye candy completely lacking in any manner of suspense, Girl House knows exactly what it is, what it wants to be, and how to deliver the goods, while still updating the formula for a modern audience.
Basically, it's a slasher movie, with a "cam girl" twist- think TV's Big Brother, only with an all-girl cast, if one of the viewers went ape-shit because one of the cast members insulted him and subsequently tracked down the location and started bumping everyone there off. Pretty simple, pretty straight-forward, right? Hard to mess up, in other words, though, as we've already seen on this list, many still do.
Here's what sets this one apart- the characters. With the exception of the one bitchy character, Devon (Alyson Bath, The 100, Anon), who's supposed to be unlikable, all the characters are pretty sympathetic, and the film even manages to find time to discuss modern sexuality and whether doing the cam girl thing is necessarily a bad thing or inherently makes the girls doing it automatically "bad" by design.
Leading lady Ali Cobrin (American Reunion, Neighbors) is endearing, and remarkably manages to seem pretty girl-next-door and down-to-earth, even while being obviously gorgeous and doing the whole cam girl strip tease thing. Not that, mind you, a girl simply being a cam girl or a stripper, for that matter, is synonymous with being "bad."
In fact, that's sort of the point: as we meet the various girls, some of them are sweethearts that just happen to get naked for money- one has a committed boyfriend that she isn't above having sex with on camera, and two of the girls are lesbians in a committed relationship that aren't afraid to share their love with the world.
In other words, Girl House shows us that camming is just a job, when all is said and done. Sure, it's unconventional, but that doesn't make it a bad thing. These girls are just trying to pay the bills, and if they happen to enjoy it, more's the better. Nothing wrong with that.
Of course, it also points out how, in spite of all the best laid plans, how such things can go horribly awry, if dealing with someone smarter than the average cam consumer. Cam girls may be better protected than, say, a stripper, much less a hooker, but things can still go horribly awry.
Though, to be fair, those are somewhat false equivalencies- cam girls often work alone in isolation, and if they do feature someone else, it's of their choosing, and often someone they're involved with IRL, which is definitely different than a typical stripper or even a high-end call girl, both of which tend to deal almost exclusively with strangers.
I like that Girl House actually delves into this stuff, and takes the time to have conversations about it, along with how doing it can affect one's personal life or their relationship with their family, something it has in common with the in-the-same-wheelhouse Cam.
When all is said and done, yes, Girl House is just a straight-forward slasher with a more modern hook. But guess what? There's a reason they're still making slasher movies after all this time- when done right, they still work. This one does. Kudos to first-time director Trevor Matthews, who also wrote, produced and starred in Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer and The Shrine, and a special shout-out to it being a Canadian slasher, just like a lot of the best of the slasher bunch back in the day.
Oh, and heads up, Gotham fans, Selina Kyle/Catwoman herself, Camren Bicondova, has a brief cameo in the opening scene, which is set in my current location, Alabama, which was pretty cool. Girl House may not bring much new to the table beyond its cam-girl set-up, but it's well done and shows that all horror movies need not be populated by idiots and/or unlikable characters. In short, this is how you do a modern slasher right.
On the other hand, we have this film, which is basically how not to do a modern slasher. Almost every character is unlikable, including the leading lady, and only really fun one is the batty old house mother (Lisa K. Wyatt, of The Crazies and all of Richard Kelly's movies to date), who steals every scene she's in with her choice bad dialogue, and who seems to be the only one in on the joke that is this movie.
I kind of knew it was going to be awful within the first five minutes, in which a girl goes to her married boyfriend's house to confront him about these notes she's been getting and, apropos of nothing, decides to get naked and skinny dip in broad daylight when he (or his wife) proves to not be home. Naturally, she's killed by a maniac soon after, kicking off the movie.
Now, mind you, I've got no problem with nudity- see my positive review of the last movie, Girl House, which features plenty- but this one clearly has sex on the brain, not horror, making it come off for the most part as a soft-core porn that just so happens to have some murder in it. Actually, even that is half-hearted, in so much as, not unlike the aforementioned L.A. Slasher, the killer doesn't always kill the girls or guys, sometimes he just maims them a bit. Is this some weird trend I'm just now becoming aware of?
Whatever the case, the end results are just laughable, as the killer often just strolls into a jam-packed room and slides a note onto the table without anyone being the wiser, and oftentimes just chills out in the girls' rooms, watching them, in spite of sticking out like a sore thumb in his white terry-cloth outfit in plain view. Despite this, no one is able to so much as describe him, leading the girls to all turn against each other, accusing one another of being the killer, even though it's obviously not one of them.
The film has porn-level production values- and acting, for that matter- which I suppose is about right, given what the filmmakers really seem interested in, which is getting girls naked. As per usual with films like this, the girls are ostensibly playing underage, in spite of looking to be well into their thirties. The film is supposedly set in a group home for juvenile delinquent types- hence the title- but these girls are clearly full-blown adults across the board, and don't look much younger than the other house mother, Claudia.
Speaking of which, the main reason I watched this, in case you were wondering, was that the actress playing Claudia was none other than former teen queen Ami Dolenz, daughter of Micky (of the Monkees), and star of such cult faves as Can't Buy Me Love, She's Out of Control, Children of the Night, Stepmonster, Ticks, Pumpkinhead II and Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway (lol- see what they did there?).
I used to be pretty sweet on her back in the day, having grown up with her movies and TV shows, and it was nice seeing her here, in spite of the low quality of the film overall. She's still quite a looker- more so than some of the "girls," quite frankly- and is the only truly appealing thing in the film. I suppose, if you were a fan as well, you'll want to see it for her alone, but be forewarned, it's just terrible.
The FX in particular, most of which are executed via CGI, are some of the worst I've ever seen and are hilariously bad, ruining what suspense or enjoyment one might have had in the process. Only Birdemic was worse in that regard, and that was one hell of a lot more entertaining in its awful-ness than this was. Don't get me wrong- House Rules, the movie itself, is just mediocre at best- but the CGI is next-level bad, let me tell you. Skip it, unless you're a hardcore Dolenz fan, but remember, you've been warned.
A far better example of how to do a bad slasher is this film, which, like Bad Girls, has a porn-level budget, only, production-level-wise, it may even be worse than that film. Basically, we're talking student film level. And yet, I had far more fun with it than Bad Girls. Go figure.
I think a big part of it is that you can tell everyone involved was having fun with it, as evidenced by the copious amount of bloopers at the end, which are used to pad out the running time to a whopping 75 minutes, including the ever-popular slow-crawl credits, which, mind you, are featured separately from the film and the bloopers. Still, there's something to be said for not overstaying your welcome- the film knows when to say when, in other words.
It was also kind of endearing that the cast was composed of what amounted to the polar opposite of, say, a typical CW show cast. These really do seem like the people next door, especially if you live in the South, like I do. Only the chunky guy might have passed muster on the CW or in a given Hollywood teen flick, and even then, just strictly as the comic relief. The rest just look like normal college students, down to the famed "Freshman 15," albeit, as per usual, looking a bit older than most actual college students.
But there's something to be said for a group of film students/actors getting together to just have a lot of fun and make a silly movie that basically delivers what the title promises. As you might guess, there's copious amounts of nudity and yes, sex, which seems to be what sets off the killer, which, in this case, is of the man-in-a-monster-suit variety.
I mean, hell, the first thing that pops up on screen is a rating-like classification screen, only this one is unrated and promises "blood, boobs, gore, genitalia and more!" There's something to be said for delivering as promised. Like I said, if you're looking for SI models or whatever, this is not the film you want. These are just ordinary, average-looking people, with ordinary average bodies, most of which would likely be considered of the alternative/emo type, i.e. dyed hair, tattoos, piercings, et al.
The two leads are a lesbian couple, which is cool, and they're not portrayed in a unrealistic way for once- aside from the chunky guy daring them to make out at one point (perhaps needless to say, he gets a little more than he bargained for), their sexuality is beside the point and never mentioned. They just happen to be gay, and they just happen to be the leads. That's it.
This is oddly refreshing, given how fake a lot of stuff we watch is in that regard. Not everyone is perfect-looking and some of the angles aren't exactly flattering at times. Guess what? They aren't in real life, either. Now, I'll allow that this may have more to do with the limited budget, and finding people willing to do copious amounts of nudity, but given the across-the-board normalcy of everyone involved, I feel like it might have been more intentional than entirely a necessity.
As in, the filmmaker just wanted to make a movie where everyone looked normal, not heightened into something they're not- something no one really is, if you think about it. Last I checked, no one has a team of makeup artists and costume designers helping them out every day, unless they're supermodels- and even then, it's questionable. Otherwise, as they say, celebrities are "just like us"! (Ok, not really, but you know what I mean.)
Don't Fuck in the Woods is absolutely ridiculous, but it's a lot of fun and more than delivers on that title, which is more than you can say for a lot of movies. How many times have you rented/watched a movie based on the title and/or the premise (or even the poster/cover art) and come away disappointed? Not the case here. You see a movie with this title, you expect to see people fucking in the woods, then killed for doing so, and by God, that's what you get. What more can you ask for?
Oh, and for the record, there's already a sequel in the works, but of course, which looks to be following the same template as the original, thank God, rather than trying to take things in a "flashier" direction. I'm in. Sometimes the only thing between being a bad movie and an enjoyably bad movie is a warped sense of humor- and this one has it in spades. By all means, if you enjoy a silly, down-and-dirty slasher- emphasis on the dirty part- check this one out.
Well, that about does it for now! Join me next week as we get back to normal. I'll also have a special announcement, in regards to my intentions for October and Halloween in general. As my loyal readers know, I covered the entire Halloween series last year, so I'll be doing something different this year, which I'll let you know about soon enough.
Thanks again for your patience as I dealt with some family matters- it's good to be back, and back to work. And, as ever, thanks for reading! 😉
Author's Note: I'm dealing with a family situation and I have only limited access to a computer at the moment, so I likely won't be writing much until the matter is resolved. I had to write this one on the sly in parts, but it lent itself to that, so it was fine. I would have brought my laptop, but I completely forgot it in the moment and it's too late to do anything about it now, it being in another state.
Anyway, there's only one computer in the house and everyone here is using it- normally I would only have to worry about one person using mine, but here, it's four or more, depending on what's going on and who's in the house at the moment. So, yeah, I probably won't be writing much until I get back to Birmingham. Sorry for the inconvenience- it is what it is- but hang in there, I'll be back with updates as soon I can.
Until then, here's one last article to tide you over...
This was one of those films I had mixed feelings about going in, mostly because I'm a huge Guillermo Del Toro fan, and neither he or star Ron Perlman were going to be involved, despite having done a great job with the first two Hellboy films and the last one having perfectly set up a third film. It wasn't a matter of economics, either, as Hellboy II grossed over $160 million on a $85 million budget, which is perfectly fine for a genre film of its nature.
Even more unfathomable is why they wouldn't want a newly-minted Oscar winner (for The Shape of Water) to do the film, even if he did want to both write and direct the third one. Yeah, and? What's the issue? He wrote and directed the first two as well. I just don't get it. Well, with Del Toro out, so went Perlman, and the role ended up being recast with Stranger Things star David Harbour and the director's chair went to Neil Marshall, of The Descent and Dog Soldiers semi-fame.
Now, I do like Harbour, and I loved both of the Marshall movies I mentioned, but his work since has been a bit spotty. Both Doomsday and Centurion tanked big time at the box office, basically causing Marshall to mostly take refuge in television work in the meantime, save a segment of the horror anthology flick Tales of Halloween.
Fortunately for him, said TV work included the likes of Game of Thrones, Westworld, Hannibal and Black Sails, all of which were well-received enough that he got another shot at the brass ring. Unfortunately, Hellboy died a miserable death at the box office, grossing a mere $40 million on a $50 million budget, all but ensuring it'll be back to TV for him. (Note also how he didn't participate in the requisite behind the scenes bonuses on the Blu-Ray/DVD, and is, in fact, barely even mentioned at all- clearly this was not a happy shoot for him all around.)
Well, the good news is that it isn't THAT bad. Creator Mike Mignola was more involved, and many of the visuals were directly inspired by the comic, as were certain aspects of the storyline, which derived primarily from the three comic book limited series plotlines for Darkness Calls, The Wild Hunt, and The Storm and the Fury, as well as a bit of Hellboy in Mexico in the beginning of the film.
The cast also includes a bunch of new faces, including the always-welcome Ian McShane as Hellboy's adoptive father and CGI horror pro Milla Jovovich as The Blood Queen, Hellboy's primary foe; Sasha Lane (American Honey) as Alice Monaghan; Thomas Hayden Church as Lobster Johnson and Daniel Dae Kim (Lost) as Daimio.
The latter role was the subject of some controversy, as it was intended for an Asian, but was cast with a British actor instead, leading to calls of white-washing. The actor, to his credit, stepped down, and suggested the filmmakers stick with the character's original heritage, which they ultimately did, albeit under some pressure from various online groups and activists to do so. Still, points for following through where many have not.
The end result is enjoyable enough, and fans of the comic will probably dig it, even if they resent the fact that Del Toro wasn't allowed to complete his vision, which will sadly probably never be realized after the abject failure of this film, Oscar winner or not. I didn't hate it, and I liked the cast and despite all the CGI, it did feature some pretty cool effects here and there, and a much darker tone than the other films, clearly going for more of a horror movie vibe.
Unfortunately, the film is ultimately kind of hollow, with a going-through-the-motions vibe that doesn't do it any favors. Harbour is good, but everyone else is just there, doing their job, but not adding much else to the proceedings. You can tell it was just a paycheck for most involved, though the FX artists at least show some enthusiasm in the making of docs. Beyond that, though, it's just kind of meh, so I can only give it a mild recommendation at best, and only for hardcore fans of the character.
Miss Bala is a remake of the Mexican film of the same name, directed by Twilight helmer Catherine Hardwicke, who I've always been a fan of in spite of that, lol. Her debut film Thirteen was one of the very first films I was paid to review, and I probably would have never seen it otherwise. It's just fantastic and I can't recommend it enough, and it basically made me enough of a fan that I've seen everything she's ever done since, notably Lords of Dogtown, Red Riding Hood and Plush, all of which I enjoyed quite a bit.
Hardwicke famously got the shaft on Twilight, as the film was a massive success and the studio, Summit, wanted to rush out the sequel ASAP, and she wanted to take her time on it. They balked and she walked away from the franchise that made her name as the most successful female director ever at that time. Sadly, none of her subsequent projects have hit it even nearly as big as Twilight, which sucks, as that film is far and away her worst, IMHO.
Anyway, this one is a lot of fun, and kind of a mix between Taken and Narcos. Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez is wonderful as Gloria, a Mexican immigrant that lives in LA and works as a makeup artist. When her best friend from her Mexico days decides to enter into a beauty pageant, she travels there to help out. Alas, when gunmen attack a nightclub the girls are at, Gloria's friend disappears, and she fears the girl might have been kidnapped. Adding to the drama is that she saw the face of one of the gunmen- and he knows it.
When she tries to go to the police to check on her friend, a corrupt officer informs the gunman in question and he, in turn, kidnaps Gloria, and tells her if she doesn't do something for him, he'll kill her, but if she does, he'll help her find her friend. But might he be the one who kidnapped her? Or is it the nefarious Chief of Police, who the gunmen were trying to assassinate during the nightclub attack?
Making matters worse, Gloria eventually escapes, when she is promptly picked up by the DEA, who then force her to work for them or go directly to jail, don't not pass go, because of the "favor" the gunman asked her to do, which got some of said DEA agents killed, though she had no idea what she was doing at the time. Caught between a rock and a hard place, Gloria does her best to play the various forces working against her against each other while she tracks down her friend.
Granted, it's nothing you haven't seen before, but Rodriguez is great, and it's admittedly a blast seeing Jane the Virgin go rogue, lol. The action is fairly plentiful, and the cast is great across the board, though I wasn't familiar with most of them, save Anthony Mackie, who has a small role as gangster that may be more on her side that he seems at first.
I'm always up for a movie revolving around a woman taking the law into her own hands, so I enjoyed it, even if it was pretty by-the-numbers. So, yeah, it's not Hardwicke's best work, but it shows she can still do a mainstream-friendly film with a strong female protagonist with the best of them, so there's that. As such, it's a mild recommendation from me at best.
Speaking of films with strong female protagonists, there's the much more experimental and interesting A Vigilante, another revenge flick directed by a female filmmaker- in this case, first-time writer/director Sarah Daggar-Nickson. It revolves around an abused woman (Olivia Wilde) that decides to take matters into her own hands and becomes a literal vigilante-for-hire, typically working on the behalf of fellow abused women, though she does help some abused kids at one point.
However, her main goal is to seek revenge on her ex-husband, who killed their son in a fit of rage when she attempted to flee him after he abused her one too many times. Unfortunately, she can't prove her husband's dead- namely because he isn't- which means she can't collect insurance on him until he is confirmed as such- and she aims to have her revenge and collect that money, by any means necessary.
So, in between helping others for whatever they can afford to pay, she attempts to track him down in her spare time, having some idea where he might be, on account of their having camped in the area once before. It's a large area, though, and it takes time to search him out- and he may not even be there in the first place. Perhaps needless to say, she eventually finds him- though it may be more accurate to say that it's vice versa.
This is not at all your typical revenge flick- it's way artsy and more of a mood piece than anything else. By which I mean a film that sustains a very specific mood for the entirety of its running time- think stuff like Eraserhead, Natural Born Killers or Spring Breakers, only less out there. Basically, it's kind of a meditation of what it means to be a victim of abuse, and the toll it takes on a woman's psyche.
Interestingly, some of the cast shown at the meetings Wilde's character attends are actual victims of such trauma themselves, so if their stories seem real, that's because they are. This gives the film a sense of reality that most films of this type don't have- this isn't so much a revenge fantasy, as it is a film in which the filmmakers are trying to replicate the often troubled mindset of those who have been abused- the revenge part is only a small part of the film, and it's intentionally downplayed in a very specific way that might disappoint some viewers who want to see a blood bath.
Instead, it's more of a psychological drama that focuses on the trauma of the women involved, not the revenge aspect. Think of it as a sort of arthouse revenge flick, like one of those Dragon Tattoo movies minus all the flash. Wilde's character is just a smart woman that knows how to deal with scumbags and isn't afraid to beat the crap out of them, if necessary.
As I said, the film's climax is dealt with in a subtle way, which may disappoint some, but I liked the new way the film approached a subject many have in a non-exploitative, more dramatic way. It won't be for everyone's taste as a direct result of that approach, and the way it was marketed and described on the DVD/Blu-Ray back cover is misleading AF, but those who dig it, will really love it.
Either way, it's definitely one of the better films I've seen over the last month or so, and I'm definitely recommending it to those who like this sort of thing- just know that it's sort of slow-moving at times, and more of a drama than an action flick and you'll be fine.
Speaking of mood pieces, this is a doozy of one that I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm just getting around to now, not in the least since I've had it in my possession for at least a couple of years. I guess some movies end up falling by the wayside when you watch as many movies and TV shows as I do. Be that as it may, I'm even more surprised I put it off as long as I did, being as it stars two of my favorite current actresses, Emma Roberts (American Horror Story, Scream Queens) and Kiernan Shipka (Mad Men, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina).
Well, better late than never. This is one of those movies you really need to see more than once to truly appreciate, not in the least in that you won't be entirely sure what is going on the first time around, but once you do figure it out, it makes a second viewing an entirely different experience altogether. I love films like that, especially since you almost always catch things you missed the first time around, and this film was no exception.
I don't want to give too much away, except to say that it deals with three women: Kat (Shipka), a loner Freshman struggling to fit in at a Catholic all-girls school; Rose (Lucy Boynton, of Bohemian Rhapsody, who I didn't even recognize at the time, her typically being a blonde), one of the popular girls, who suspects she might be pregnant, and stays behind a day after vacation in order to tell her boyfriend; and Joan (Roberts), another loner that has a mysterious hidden agenda that involves traveling to the vicinity of the aforementioned school.
The film is told in a non-linear fashion, going back and forth in time like a Tarantino film or an episode of Lost, filling in the blanks of certain scenes by repeating them later on from different perspectives and giving us information that we didn't previously have the first time around. It's also kind of like a horror movie as directed by David Lynch, being very stylized and moody and generally weird.
The horror elements drift in very slowly- perhaps too slowly for some- and reveal themselves very gradually, only coming together in earnest at the very end. Even then, some may be very confused by some elements of it. I must admit, it wasn't until I watched a video about it on YouTube that everything clicked together completely, and even then, I was compelled to watch it again, right away. How often can you say that about a modern horror film- or a modern film in general, honestly?
This remarkable effort was written and directed by Osgood "Oz" Perkins, who comes by his penchant for horror with good genes for it- he's the son of none other than Anthony Perkins, aka Norman Bates of the Psycho film series. His subtle approach here, much like A Vigilante, may bore some people to tears, but I found it hypnotic and engaging. It was also fun to think of it as a particularly dark chapter in Sabrina's story, given Shipka's character here, lol. (That's not to say she's necessarily playing a witch here- remember, no spoilers!)
This is the film I would recommend the most of the movies I'm reviewing today- I thought it was just fantastic. It might not be for all tastes- is anything, really?- but if you like your horror dark and moody, with a particular emphasis on prominent female protagonists, a la Rosemary's Baby or Martyrs, then you'll probably dig it.
Just know that it's purposefully slow-moving, and the emphasis isn't on horror until later on in the film- it's really more a film about sadness and loneliness and the toll it can take on a person, which can lead them down some VERY dark paths. Still, it's one of the best horror films I've seen in many a moon, at least since I saw Hereditary. By all means, check this one out.
If you've been reading my work here for some time, then you already know about my major crush on up-and-coming actress Florence Pugh, who knocked me for a loop in Lady Macbeth (decidedly not anything to do with Shakespeare), then solidified my fandom with her role in AMC's The Little Drummer Girl miniseries and as wrestler Paige in the recent Fighting with My Family.
At this point, it's become a must for me to see everything she does, and I couldn't be looking more forward to her going the super-heroine route with a role in the forthcoming Black Widow movie. Anyway, that's what led me to this film, a Netflix movie that ticks all my boxes and then some. It's got Pugh, of course, but it's also a horror movie, and it's a haunted house movie besides, a sub-genre I really love as a horror fan. As such, it was the first of her films that I haven't seen yet that I really wanted to see.
Malevolent is the story of a group of faux Ghostbuster-types that are actually scammers looking to bilk people- typically those still grieving a recently lost loved one- out of their cash. Or are they? It seems that one of them, Angela (Pugh), does, in fact, possess some psychic powers, likely the direct results of her mother, who considered herself a medium able to communicate with spirits, but who went crazy as a result of her powers and took her own life. But are Angela's powers real, or is she going crazy just like her mother?
After their latest "cleaning" results in some very real spiritual activity on Angela's end, she decides to err on the side of caution and quit, so, at the very least, not to expedite the process. But her brother, who is also one of her partners in the scam, gets in trouble with local loan sharks who threaten his life, so she begrudgingly agrees to one last gig to get him out of trouble- which naturally, leads them all to trouble of the paranormal kind when the house they visit proves to actually be haunted after all.
The end result is nothing well-studied fans of the ghost story sub-genre won't be familiar with, though there are a few twists along the way, I suppose. It does get a bit gorier than one might expect in a haunted house movie, but, once again, nothing that will knock hardened horror fans for a loop, but perhaps neophytes might be a little taken aback, if you weren't expecting gore in a movie like this.
That said, it's not enough all around to give the film a ringing endorsement, just a mild one for horror fans and fans of ghost stories. Really, I would say it's kind of skippable unless, like me, you're a Pugh completist, or a fan of Ben Lloyd-Hughes, of Skins and Divergent fame, who plays Angela's ne'er-do-well brother. I didn't hate it, and it didn't overstay its welcome, but it was nothing earth-shattering, either. In other words, it's another meh for me.
Last, and probably least, is the latest from John Travolta, this time featuring a small role for his daughter, Ella Bleu. It sees him going back into pseudo-Pulp Fiction territory, playing an alcoholic/degenerate gambler/private investigator hired to look into the well-being of a woman's grandmother, ostensibly in Galveston, Texas, but looking more like New Orleans. (It's actually Savannah, Georgia.)
While there, PI Carson Phillips, who is from the town in question, reconnects with old friends and frenemies, including Famke Janssen (the X-Men movies) as his old flame, the recently widowed Jayne; and Morgan Freeman, in an atypical bad guy role, as Doc, who owns a casino- and a good half of the town- and isn't as happy as he lets on about his former friend being back in town. When Phillips discovers that Jayne's daughter has been accused of murdering her football star boyfriend, he sticks around to try and solve that case as well and exonerate her, much to Doc's chagrin.
If you know your way around an old school Film Noir (think Chandler's Philip Marlowe novels and the movies based on them) and neo-noirs like Chinatown, you probably won't be that fooled about the underlying plot going on here, but it is kind of fun seeing Freeman as a bad guy, as well as a portly Brendan Fraser hamming it up as a Southern-fried genteel doctor.
Oddball character actor Peter Stormare (Fargo, American Gods) and Robert Patrick (T2: Judgment Day) also crop up, respectively, as a drunken old pal of Phillips and the local Sheriff, who used to be a fellow rabble-rouser like Phillips- and may still be corrupt and in the pocket of Doc. And if you were a Vampire Diaries fan, it's cool seeing perennial goody-two-shoes Kat Graham- who played good witch Bonnie on that show- play a trampy torch singer that sings at Doc's casino- and who just so happens to be his daughter to boot.
Alas, this firmly falls into the general vicinity of camp, thanks to some poor writing and iffy acting throughout. Travolta and Freeman generally emerge unscathed, and Ella Bleu is just fine as the accused daughter of Jansen's character, but one can't help but wonder if Travolta is gunning for Nicholas Cage's career, given his choices as of late. One problem with that- Cage has actually been making some solid choices recently (i.e. Mom & Dad, Mandy), so it may be more of a Freaky Friday switcheroo instead, with Travolta decidedly on the losing end of that particular trade.
At only around a hundred minutes, it's not that much of a suck on your time if you like any of the folks involved, but it's certainly nothing Film Noir fans haven't seen before, and there are definitely some plot holes in the general solution of the crimes at hand that will trouble fans of this sort of thing. Still, it's relatively entertaining, I suppose- though that may depend on your idea of entertaining, I suppose. Personally, I enjoyed it for its camp value, especially on Fraser's end, though Travolta comes awfully close to parody in places his own damn self.
Once again, I can't really recommend this one in good faith- it was basically the kind of thing I watched, then almost immediately forgot about a week later- I even had to remind myself of the title when writing this, mistakenly labeling it The Poison Heart- which isn't exactly a good sign of a quality movie. It's not quite embarrassing for all concerned, but neither is it campy enough to recommend for the opposite reasons, i.e. it being so bad, it's kind of good. So, yeah, yet another meh inducer. 😕
Well, that about does it for now. Like I said, it may be a hot minute before I do another article, on account of family business, but hang in there, I'll be back as soon as I can! 😉
