With his third narrative film, Malibu Express, all the pieces of the puzzle writer/director Andy Sidaris was trying to solve were in place, but he hadn't quite gotten the formula right, as of yet. With Hard Ticket to Hawaii, he finally nailed it, by going bigger on everything- more exotic locations, bigger guns and explosions and, of course, bustier babes, who, this time, were front and center, with the guys clearly taking a back seat this time around.
Sidaris also adopted a sort of meta-approach to the material long before such things were de rigueur- sure, lots of filmmakers had broken "the fourth wall," but leave it to Sidaris to create his own universe revolving around him. I'm not kidding- he literally has posters of his own movies in the film, and has the characters discuss them within the script! Like I said, he was meta before meta was really a thing.
According to the characters, Malibu Express was based on the adventures of real-life private investigator Cody Abilene, who, we are informed, "went Hollywood" after that film's enormous success. Hence, one of the main characters is actually his cousin, Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss), who, when we first meet him in the film, is kicking back on his relative's boat- yep, the Malibu Express, which, as with the film that serves as its namesake, also crops up at the end of this movie when things are wrapping up.
Not that Sidaris is above tweaking himself, mind you- the girl who bought all the posters of his films informs her friend that she got the Malibu Express one for "free," after buying a foreign poster of another Sidaris film, Seven. Further, Sidaris himself crops up as a hapless director, Whitey (!), who nearly has a meltdown when a black athlete drops the "N word" on a live broadcast- lucky for him, the satellite dropped that part of the interview out, thus saving his job in the process.
In addition, Whitey is portrayed as a sleazy would-be ladies' man that is constantly being shot down by said ladies. Who says Sidaris doesn't have a sense of humor about himself? Or his films, for that matter, for this is also the movie where his trademark off-color dialogue really shines, resulting in some genuinely laugh-out-loud moments, albeit strictly of the trashy variety.
For example, there's this bon mot:
Restaurant Host (to hot girls): I'm going to give you the best seat in the house!
Taryn: Oh, and where's that?
Host: You can sit right here on my face!
Donna: Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?
Lol. 😄 Here's another howler:
Seth: If brains were bird shit, you'd have a clean cage.
The film is filled with such hilariously trashy dialogue, and is much more quotable than Malibu Express in that regard. Like I said, Sidaris really went for it with this one. He doesn't stop there, either. You've got the requisite loading up the guns and packing up the ammo and other goodies, which includes a missile launcher- which, if I'm not wrong, someone mistakenly refers to as a bazooka- technically true, I guess, but most bazookas don't contain four missiles like this one!
You've also got way more in the way of explosions- Sidaris blows up a helicopter near the end of the film, to say nothing of one of the bad guys, a giant snake and even a blow-up doll! It's so goofy it almost plays as a parody of a Michael Bay film, although Bay's career wasn't yet off the ground at the time.
Indeed, given that Bay began his career in the early 90's, you gotta think he was watching films like this and taking notes- only his films mostly lack the knowing sense of winking humor of Sidaris' work, which is why I like Sidaris better, quite frankly. At least he's honest about his intentions- he's not trying to achieve "greatness"- he's just trying to entertain folks. Mission accomplished.
I mean, in one of those aforementioned scenes, the good guys hit one of the bad guys with their car, who is riding a skateboard holding a blow-up doll (which is already pretty insane), both the bad guy and the blow-up doll fly into the air, and the good guys stop their car.
Then, one of them aims the missile launcher at the guy, blows him up, then aims it at the blow-up doll and blows it up, too- all before wither come close to reaching the ground. I've heard about skateboarders "catching air," but this is ridiculous. The skateboard itself, BTW, emerges unscathed to be ridden another day, with one of the guys referring to it as "the one that got away," lol. 😅
Then there's the women. In Malibu Express, Cody was the undeniable lead, a Magnum P.I.-lite that couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with his gun, but always hit the mark with the ladies. Here, all the guys take a backseat to the ladies, serving as back-up at best- not that the girls typically need it, as one of them takes out one of the relentless lead baddies herself, even though he keeps coming and coming and coming, like a slasher movie killer. It's only with the snake that she needs a little help.
And speaking of said snake, holy crap, is this thing fake-looking. And, going towards the whole "bigger is better" ethos that I think Sidaris really starts to adopt in earnest with this film, it's not enough that the snake is massive- it's also contaminated to boot, by "cancer-infested rats"! What the what?!!! It also has the power to illuminate toilets as well, to say nothing of springing out of one with such force it apparently destroys said toilet! 😂
But the coup de grace of this whole endeavor has to be the notorious frisbee scene. So, there's this one guard that likes to toss around a frisbee with a cutie that passes by his watch every day- without putting his massive machine gun down, BTW- and the good guys know about him, so they hatch a ridiculous plan that makes the one launched by the teens in It Follows look like masterminds in comparison.
One of the guys fashions a frisbee with razor blades attached to the outside rim of the disc. He then insinuates himself into the frisbee-tossing by emasculating the guy with some well-placed insults. The bad guy eventually puts down the gun and throws himself wholeheartedly into the match, doing elaborate tricks and taunting his would-be conqueror.
At one point, the good guy switches out the real frisbee with the razor-laced one and tosses it at the bad guy. It hilariously cuts off some of his fingers before embedding itself in his neck, killing him! 😲 You kind of have to see it to believe it.
Yep, this movie truly has it all. There's a reason this may be the most celebrated film in all of Sidaris' canon of work- it's arguably the most ridiculous of them all. But damn, if it isn't also a lot of fun, too. I mean, if you can't figure out early on that Sidaris is as much poking fun at himself and his own movie as he is actually making what amounts to a parody of an over-the-top action film, you aren't paying attention.
As ever, there's lot of hot babes and muscular dudes on display throughout the film, including the requisite Playmates, but of course. This marks the first collaboration between Sidaris and Dona Speir, who would go to star in many of his other films, and remains a fan favorite to this day. (The DVD also features a great, albeit brief, interview between her and Joe Bob Briggs, aka "Drive-In Movie Critic" John Bloom.)
Speir was born in California, where she was a gymnast and track star before graduating and becoming an internationally famous model and "brand ambassador." In March of 1984, she became Playboy's Playmate of the Month, also appearing in several of their home video pictorials. She then started landing guest spots on shows like Mike Hammer, Matt Houston, Knight Rider and Married with Children, which eventually led to a film career.
In addition to small roles in films like Into the Night, Doin' Time, Dragnet, Mortuary Academy and Click: The Calendar Girl Killer, Speir starred in no less than seven Sidaris films, including, in addition to this one: Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach, Guns, Do or Die, Hard Hunted and Fit to Kill. She retired as an actress after Fit to Kill, back in 1993. Here, Speir plays Donna, an operative for The Agency, a shadowy group of off-book specialists in a variety of fields, a role she would reprise in the other Sidaris films.
Still gorgeous, Speir has since become a motivational speaker, spokesperson and an advocate and personal growth counselor for drug addicts in recovery, as well as a vocal supporter for animal rights. She also has written a book: Naked Truth: The Fall and Rise of Dona Speir, which details her own struggles with addiction- she started as a teen and was finally able to quit using drugs at 23, having been sober ever since- as well as her run-ins with sexual predators, including the notorious Bill Cosby, who (allegedly- I say, begrudgingly) took advantage of her when she was only 16. Yikes!
As Donna's right-hand woman, Taryn, who is a sort of agent-in-training that is also in the witness protection program, there's Hope Marie Carlton, another Playmate-turned-actress. The native New Yorker is the daughter of a model who started modeling herself at 13. She became Playmate of the Month in July of 1985, and, as with Speir, appeared in a lot of their home videos and magazine pictorials. She also rides horses and can, in fact, fly a plane.
Carlton got her acting start on TV, appearing in episodes of The A-Team, Married with Children, L.A. Law, Baywatch, Charles in Charge and Quantum Leap. Carlton should be particularly familiar to horror movie fans, having been in several notable flicks within the genre, including Slaughterhouse Rock, A Nightmare on Elm Street IV: The Dream Master, Ghoulies Go to College, Slumber Party Massacre III and the TV miniseries adaptation of Stephen King's classic The Stand.
Her other credits include: Terminal Exposure, How I Got into College, It Had to Be You, Side Out, Bloodmatch, Round Numbers and two episodes of the sexy TV series Hotel Erotica. She is another actress that cropped up in multiple Sidaris films as the same character, including Picasso Trigger and Savage Beach.
I have to say that Carlton and Speir make for a great team, and have genuinely good chemistry, even if their acting was still a bit iffy at this stage of their careers- but then, you could say that about most of the actors in Sidaris' films- for the most part, I'm guessing he wasn't hiring them for their thespian qualities, lol.
The Playmates keep coming with Cynthia Brimhall, aka Edy, the owner of the restaurant the girls frequent. Brimhall was born in Utah, but eventually moved to Hollywood to make it as an actress. In the meantime, she became a model, later landing Playmate of the Month in October of 1985. As with the other girls, she also appeared in several home videos and future pictorials.
Hawaii was Brimhall's first film with Sidaris, but she went on to make many more, including Picasso Trigger, Guns, Do or Die, Hard Hunted and Fit to Kill, all of which see her reprising her role as Edy. Other notable films include Every Breath and High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story and an episode of the TV show P.S.I. Luv U. She was also a model on The Price is Right and is a singer who had several songs in other Sedaris films, aside from this one, which features Jay Molina singing the theme song and Gary Stockdale singing the end credits song.
Finally, there's Patty Duffek, as- what else?- Pattycakes. Duffek was born in L.A. and later moved to Arizona after graduating Magna Cum Laude, where, somewhat ironically, she was discovered working at a restaurant by Playboy in their search for the 30th Anniversary Playmate. She became Playmate of the Month in May of 1984.
She's another repeat Sidaris offender, appearing as Pattycakes in two more of his films: Picasso Trigger and Savage Beach. After that, she retired from acting and went back to Phoenix, Arizona, where she eventually became a social worker. As far as I know her three credits for Sidaris are her only ones, aside from the requisite Playboy videos and pictorials.
Moving on to the guys, as Rowdy Abilene, Cody's cousin that apparently inherited his affinity for being a terrible shot- though he fares better with a bazooka (who wouldn't?) -we have Ronn Moss. If he looks familiar, chances are you're either a soap opera fan- he was on The Bold and the Beautiful from way back in 1987 all the way to 2012- or you grew up in the 70's loving Top 40 rock music, as he was a singer and bassist in the band Player, best-known for the blue-eyed soul of the #1 hit "Baby Come Back." Moss also plays guitar and drums for good measure.
Moss made his motion picture debut in the film Hearts and Armour, before hitting it big with The Bold and the Beautiful in 1987, the same year he made Hawaii. Other notable credits include Hot Child in the City (named after another huge 70's rock hit), The Alternate, Christmas in Love, The Boneyard Collection segment Her Morbid Desires (he played Dracula in that one), Rossi & White, This is Our Christmas and the TV shows Six Feet Under, Familie, The Agency and The Bay. He has a Playmate connection as well, being married to one: Devin DeVasquez (June '85), as seen above.
As Rowdy's right-hand man, the kickboxing Jade, there's Harold Diamond, who is, in fact a pioneer in kickboxing in his native Florida and even served as a fight consultant on- what else? - one of the Kickboxer movies, Vengeance. Born Harold Roth, he was the first martial artist to compete in a kickboxing competition in Miami and was undefeated throughout most of his reign, which was 17 wins and only 2 defeats, all 17 of which were reportedly knockouts! Known as "Nature Boy," he retired to pursue acting in the mid-80s.
Hawaii was his motion picture debut, and he followed it up with Sidaris' Picasso Trigger, in which he reprised his role as Jade and also choreographed the fight routines in the film. He is perhaps best-known, however, as the stick fighter in Rambo III. Other films include Spellbinder, Killing American Style (what a title!), Trained to Kill, Gypsy, Thunderland and King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, in which he played the legendary magician Merlin.
As the main baddie, we have Rodrigo Obregón, as Seth Romero, who proves nearly as unkillable as that pesky monster snake, if not more so. After starring in an Italian rape/revenge flick, he made his American debut in Hawaii and became a favorite of Sidaris, appearing in nearly all of his subsequent films, including Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach, Guns, Hard Hunted, Fit to Kill, Day of the Warrior and Return to Savage Beach, as well as Sidaris' son's two films, Enemy Gold and The Dallas Connection. Unlike his fellow Sidaris regulars, he played different characters in each of his films, as his characters ended up dead at the end of each, being the bad guys and all.
Obregón fared well outside of the Sedaris clan's purview as well, appearing in many action and dramatic films, such as Django Strikes Again (the same Django that inspired Tarantino's character of the same name), Top Line, Tides of War, Exiled in America, L.A. Wars, Molly & Gina, The Cool & The Crazy, Kick of Death, Ghost Soldier, Collateral Damage, Papa Hemingway in Cuba, and the TV miniseries Drug Wars: The Camarena Story and the excellently-named Without Breasts There is no Paradise.
As J.J. Jackson- no, not the MTV VJ, lol- there's the also excellently-named Wolf Larson, making his feature film debut here as well. After appearing in Picasso Trigger, Larson went his own way, with a fair amount of success, particularly on TV, where he landed the plum leading role of Tarzan on the show of the same name, which ran for three seasons, from 1991-1995. He followed that up with a two-season run on the show L.A. Heat.
Other notable credits include: Mad About You (not the show, the movie of the same name), Expect No Mercy, Tracks of a Killer, Storm Chasers: Revenge of the Twister, Crash & Byrnes, Castle Rock (also not the TV show, nor Stephen King-related), The Elite, Avalanche Alley, Shakedown, Special Ops: Delta Force and guest spots on the TV shows Dynasty (the old one), Simon & Simon, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr, Thunder Alley and She Spies.
Also worth a mention are Sidaris semi-regulars Rustam Branaman (Picasso Trigger, Guns) as Kimo; Michael A. Andrews (Malibu Express) as the cross-dressing Michael/Michelle; Richard LePore (Stacey, Picasso Trigger) as Dickson; Kwan Hi Lim (Seven) as Henry; and Sidaris' cat, Yukon King, who makes a cameo in the end credits and was also in Seven and Malibu Express.
Also, Peter Bromilow, who plays money man and head baddie, Mr. Chang, is a longtime character actor, who has appeared in many films and TV shows, including Camelot, Semi-Tough, Cheech & Chong's Next Movie, Breakin', Club Paradise, Scrooged, My Stepmother is an Alien, Wild at Heart, Highlander II: The Quickening, The Rocketeer and Delirious; and Glen Chin, who played "Earring" has worked for decades as well, notably in Jekyll & Hyde: Together Again, Who's That Girl, Silent Night Deadly Night IV: Initiation (read review here), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Naked Gun 33 and 1/3, Natural Born Killers (see review here) and 50 First Dates, among many others.
Hard Ticket to Hawaii is even more ridiculous than Malibu Express, and remains the film by which all other Sidaris films are judged against to this very day, with most agreeing, at the very least, that it was a high-water mark in his career. It was also the subject matter of an amusing episode of the podcast How Did This Get Made?, which basically covers films that fall under that title- which is to say, movies so bad, they're kind of awesome.
Granted, for some directors, that wouldn't be saying much, and the movie really is just ludicrous at nearly every turn, from the rat-cancer-infested snake to the bazooka blow-up doll blow-up (which almost got the film an "X"-rating because it looked "too real," lol) - to the razor-bladed frisbee to all the wonderfully trashy dialogue and over-the-top action throughout. But once you've seen it, you sure won't soon forget it, that's for sure, and I suppose that is saying something.
Personally, I just loved it as a kid- what's not to love? I mean, the girls are hot, the guys are buff and bad-ass, there's scads of gratuitous nudity, equally gratuitous explosions just to explode shit for the hell of it, lots of hyper-violent gunplay, and once again, did I mention the rat-cancer-infested snake? If all of that isn't the way to any self-respecting boy's heart, straight or gay (I mean, there's even a cross-dresser, for God's sake) - or anyone who's a kid at heart- I don't know what is.
Having perfected the formula with this film, Sidaris wasted no time churning out one after the other, for the next decade or so, until he decided to retire in the late 90's in Beverly Hills with his wife/producer Arlene. I might do a few more of these moving forward, having had so much fun with them thus far- at the very least, I'll probably do Picasso Trigger and Savage Beach before moving on to something else. But I can always return to his oeuvre, what with my owning the box set, so keep an eye out for more on down the line.
Until then, by all means, if you check out any Sedaris film, make it this one- it's just a hoot and a half, and holds up surprisingly well, even after all this time. I won't claim it's something it's not- like a legitimately great film- but it sure is a lot of fun. If you love a good, trashy 80's action flick, you could do a lot worse, and that's saying something, given how many crappy ones there were in that decade. I just love it. 😊
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