A low-budget sci-fi action flick masquerading as a big budget Hollywood blockbuster, the unwieldy-titled Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn managed to sneak under the radar by virtue of its savvy director, who sold the film at the Cannes Film Festival to Universal Studios before the film was even completed, in order to secure financing to finish it in the first place!
Of course, this sort of thing wasn't uncommon back then, which just goes to show how far we've come since- for better or for worse. Now, you're lucky to get financing at all, even if the film is low budget- but forget about trying to dupe a major studio into funding it for you in a similar manner these days. It's just not happening.
Metalstorm was released at the height of the resurrection of the 3-D format, which was brought back from the dead for a brief time in the early 80's. Though many of the films were absolutely terrible, the 3-D was actually pretty decent, and still holds up well today. Go figure.
I'm of two minds about 3-D. On the one hand, I loved it as a kid, when I would see it on TV or in books (I still have the one called Amazing 3-D), magazines or comics. I have fond memories of horror hostess Elvira showing movies like House of Wax and The Mask- not the Jim Carrey one, the one where the guy declared "Put the mask on now!", indicating it was time to don the old-school cardboard glasses with red-and-blue-lenses for some 3-D action.
I was too young to have seen any of the 80's era stuff at the time, but I did end up seeing some of them in a revival theater not too long ago, and some of them hold up quite well, even if the movies themselves don't. My favorite of that group, which also includes the likes of Jaws 3-D and Amityville 3-D, was undeniably Friday the 13th Part 3, which is a lot of fun, especially with a game crowd.
As for the modern-day version, I've had my ups and downs. On the one hand, I really enjoyed such immersive experiences as Avatar, Oz The Great and Powerful and Robert Rodriguez' various films in the format, notably the second Sin City film. Not saying the films were great, per se, but the 3-D certainly was.
On the other hand, I hate the whole post-conversion process, where films that weren't shot in 3-D are converted into it after the fact. It never works well, it's often blurry and gives me a raging migraine headache. I also hate it when high-falutin' directors talk about how they want to use the format as a way to give a picture "depth" or whatever and act like what they're doing isn't just a gambit to sell pricier tickets.
I'm a simple man- if I'm going to see a 3-D movie, I want to see stuff coming out of the screen at me. Think the yo-yo in House of Wax, or that guy's eyeballs in Friday the 13th Part 3. Now THAT'S how you do 3-D. It's a gimmick, for God's sake- use it that way.
You can always spot a movie that was originally in 3-D from the old-school era on TV or home video/streaming, because it has those tell-tale trademarks of people blatantly shoving stuff towards the camera or shots lingering a hair too long on something jutting out towards the screen for no discernible reason. If you see that sort of thing, chances are the film was originally in 3-D.
Metalstorm is absolutely one of those sorts of films, and was the second such feature from director Charles Band, a name that should be readily familiar to fans of low-budget cult films. It followed Parasite, which marked only the second film for then-burgeoning star Demi Moore, who would go onto to bigger things as a member of the notorious "Brat Pack." Like that film, this one featured a rising starlet as well. (More on her later.)
About the only thing I remembered going into the film this time- which I hadn't seen since I was a kid, where I saw it on some movie channel or the other- was that it had a cool poster/VHS cover, featured a villain that looked like a cyborg Toxic Avenger, with a half-arm that functioned as a weapon, spewing out deadly greed acid or something, and that there was a hot girl in it. Isn't there always? Especially in the 80's.
I also remembered that it was one of the many post-Mad Max/Road Warrior rip-offs that were all over the place throughout the 80's. (I reviewed one of them a few weeks back, in fact: Rats: Night of Terror.) Like Road Warrior, this one takes place in the future, features wacky-looking all-terrain vehicles and even crazier-looking post-apocalyptic outfits and mutated characters.
Instead, this is more along the lines of something like Spacehunter, Megaforce, Timerider, Krull, Lifeforce or Cherry 2000- which is to say, 80's time-wasters that have not aged well, but are still a cheesy good time for the right kind of viewer.
Plot-wise, it's a total mess, with a lot of stuff that didn't make a lick of sense to me as a kid and didn't fare much better with me as an adult. Thankfully, there's a helpful 45-minute-ish documentary on the Blu-Ray about the film to help clear things up, so I now know more than I ever wanted to about the film, lol.
The plot is basically this: "Space Ranger" Dogen is sent to find an intergalactic criminal, the titular Jared-Syn, and stop him from rabble-rousing and trying to start a Holy War among the people of Lemuria. Of course, being a super-villain, he has underlying motives: to gather as many crystals from the local caves as he can, to further his power.
To that end, he has assembled a group of so-called Cyclopians, warriors who have plucked out one eye intentionally to prove how bad-ass they are, or something. He instructs them to kill any humans seen mining the land, which they do, starting with, as the film opens, the father of Dhyana.
Soon after, Dogen arrives and the two band together to track down Jared-Syn to stop the war and avenge her father's death, respectively. The hunt doesn't last long, as Dhyana is beamed-up or something by Jared-Syn, and held hostage to force Dogen to come to him. Not sure why he doesn't just beam-up Dogen and cut to the chase, but I suppose if he did we wouldn't have a movie, so...
To be fair, the film does say something about Dogen and Dhyana being near-invincible together, but somewhat weaker apart from one another, with Dhyana being the weakest of the two. Especially acting-wise. I kid, I kid. No one in this movie can act, really, lol. (Okay, save maybe Tim Thomerson, who at least seems in on the joke.)
So, Dhyana is captured by Jared-Syn, and off Dogen goes in search of the two. This leads him to a local village, Zhor, where he has been told to seek out Rhodes, a prospector, and find the "lost city" where the Cyclopians reside and Jared-Syn is holed up.
Apparently, the aforementioned crystals can be used to absorb one's "lifeforce" and hold it captive, killing the person along with it, which is what happened to Dhyana's dad. A local named Zax identifies the crystal Dogen found at the location of Dhyana's dad's death and points Dogen towards Zhor.
Dogen and a begrudging Rhodes head towards the "lost city" and get a hold of a crystal mask which can help defeat Jared-Syn, and run afoul of the Cyclopians, led by the hulking Hurok. Invoking the laws of the land, Rhodes talks Hurok into battling Dogen instead of killing them outright, which he agrees to, and Dogen wins, allowing Hurok to live at the end, which impresses Hurok and comes in handy later on.
Dogen runs afoul of Baal, Jared-Syn's son, the aforementioned Toxie-looking half-human, half-cyborg, and rips off his arm, or rather what's left of it, and then subsequently follows the trail of his green, toxic blood to where Jared's lair is located.
Finally, Dogen finds Jared-Syn and a battle ensues. Things don't look good for Dogen, but thanks to an assist from Hurok, Dogen is allowed to speak his piece and tells the people that Jared only wants their land and to enslave them, once he has enough power from the crystals he has gathered up.
But Jared says it's too late, as he already has enough power to defeat them all. Chaos ensues, during which Baal destroys the crystal mask Dogen had to defend himself. Dogen stabs Baal to death and Jared freaks out and teleports himself out of there, with Dogen in hot pursuit on some sort of flying motorcycle-like vehicle. Bad green screen ensues, along with sub-par would-be 2001-style effects.
Unfortunately, Jared-Syn manages to use the power of the crystal to open up a portal to another dimension, into which Dogen bravely pursues him. Alas, he loses him and has to return to the camp, but he does destroy the crystal in order to trap Jared where he is, so that Dogen can later track him down and defeat him in earnest. That's about it.
As you must have realized, the title is a complete misnomer, as Jared-Syn, in fact, escapes at the end, and is most decidedly not destroyed. This is acknowledged as such in the documentary, where director Band admits he didn't want to give away the ending in the title, so he changed it to something more misleading.
As you might also have guessed, this did not go over very well with the mostly young audience who went to see it, who balked at the prospect of a sequel. They weren't alone, as critics tore the film to pieces as well.
In spite of this, the film was a relative success, grossing over $5 million on around about a $2,500,000 budget. Not too shabby for a film without any name stars at the time, though Universal attaching a 3-D trailer of the film (unheard of at the time) to the release of Jaws 3-D probably didn't hurt matters.
Remarkably, the film was shot in only around three weeks, which didn't allow much time for preparing the movie's considerable special effects. Indeed, composer Richard Band, director Charles' brother, wrote and recorded the film's score (which is actually pretty decent) in only eleven days! Considering all of this, the film isn't that bad, even if it's often incomprehensible and odd at times.
I suppose you could chalk that up to screenwriter Alan J. Adler, who also co-produced. Although, his script does have some welcome humor to it- but I get the sense from the documentary that a lot of it was from Tim Thomerson's often-ad-libbed dialogue, not from Adler himself. The gambit certainly paid off for Thomerson, who would go on to work with director Band many times over the years.
That said, Adler did write the fun Parasite, as well as the likes of The Concrete Jungle and The Alchemist, plus episodes of TV's Ghostbusters and Star Trek: The Next Generation. He later went onto become a film historian, producing, writing and directing the documentary Monsters, Madmen & Machines: 25 Years of Science Fiction.
Director Charles Band is, of course, a cult film legend. His father Albert, himself a fellow producer and director who co-produced this film, helped his son get into the business. Since then, he has produced 280 films, directed 56, and came up with story ideas for over 50 of them.
He also helped start the home video boom with his Media Home Entertainment company, followed by Wizard Video, both of which are names that should be readily familiar to anyone renting or buying VHS tapes in the 80's. (I still have a copy of Halloween on Media somewhere.)
He also founded Empire International Pictures and Full Moon Features, the companies behind such cult faves as the Re-Animator, Trancers, Ghoulies, Troll and Puppetmaster series, all of which have multiple features to their names, as well as loads of other favorites, such as From Beyond, Castle Freak, Dolls, Breeders, Rawhead Rex, Robot Jox (based on the proposed sequel for this film), The Dead Hate the Living and The Gingerdead Man, among many others.
Star Jeffrey Byron, who played Dogen, went on to work for Band in other capacities, including co-writing and starring in The Dungeonmaster anthology, and has acted in both TV and films. Some of his notable credits include the final episode of the original run of The Twilight Zone ("The Bewitchin' Pool") and a recurring role on Eight is Enough; and the movies Donovan's Reef, Hot Rods to Hell, At Long Last Love, Nickelodeon, The Seniors, International Velvet, Pulse Pounders, Falling Down and Star Trek.
The leading lady, Dhyana, is played by none other than Kelly Preston, then-future wife of disco king John Travolta. Back then, she was known as Kelly Palzis, which is the name under which she made her feature film debut, in the Charles Bronson action-thriller Ten to Midnight. Inspired by her co-star here, Michael Preston, she changed her last name to Preston, making this her debut under that name.
If you grew up in the 80's and the early 90's and especially if you're a straight guy, then you certainly know Preston from her extensive resume of sexy roles, notably Mischief, Secret Admirer, 52 Pick-Up, Spellbinder and Jerry Maguire all of which she did extensive nudity in.
Others may know her better from John Carpenter's Christine, SpaceCamp, Twins, The Experts (alongside Travolta), Citizen Ruth, Curdled, Addicted to Love, Nothing to Lose, Holy Man, Jack Frost (the Michael Keaton one), For the Love of the Game, Battlefield Earth (possibly worse than this movie, lol), View from the Top, What a Girl Wants, The Cat in the Hat, Sky High, Death Sentence, Old Dogs, The Last Song and the recent Gotti, also with Travolta.
Sidekick Rhodes is memorably played by Tim Thomerson, in his first appearance in a Band flick. It would certainly not be his last. A former stand-up comedian (it shows), Thomerson made his debut in the fun Blaxploitation-era flick Car Wash, following it up with Which Way is Up? Lots of TV followed, along with more serious-minded movies like Carny, Fade to Black and St. Helens.
After Band made him a somewhat unlikely action hero type, he continued along that path with roles in movies like Uncommon Valor and Iron Eagle. But it's his work with Charles Band that most cult movie fans know him for, notably his role as Jack Deth in the ongoing Trancers film series, of which there are six in all.
Other notable movies include: Take This Job and Shove It, Volunteers, Near Dark, Cherry 2000, Down and Out in Beverly Hills, Who's Harry Crumb?, Dollman, Bad Channels, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, Paparazzi, Left in Darkness, Evil Bong, Urban Decay, Live Evil and on Showtime's Shameless.
The intimidating presence that is Hurok is none other than Richard Moll, best-known as the bailiff on NBC's hit, long-running sitcom Night Court. Interestingly, Moll had a full head of hair that he was hesitant to shave to help with this film's facial prosthetics, which were extensive.
But Band offered him $500, no small amount for a struggling actor back then, and he did the deed. Part of his hesitation was because he had a big audition, for what turned out to be Night Court. But they loved the look, and next thing Moll knew, not only did he land the role, but he was stuck shaving his head for nearly a decade! You win some, you lose some, I guess. (For the record, Moll had a full head of hair for the interviews for this film's documentary, so better late than never, I guess.)
Given Moll's stature, comedy wasn't exactly a given, but playing lots of heavies certainly was. Notable roles include Hard Country, Caveman, Evilspeak, The Sword & The Sorcerer, The Dungeonmaster, Night Train to Terror, House, Pulse Pounders, Wicked Stepmother, Dutch, Sidekicks, Loaded Weapon, The Flintstones, Jingle All the Way, But I'm a Cheerleader, Scary Movie 2, Nightmare Man, Headless Horseman and Sorority Party Massacre.
Moll also has done a lot of voice-over work, due to his distinctive, booming baritone. You might know him best as Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face, on TV's Batman: The Animated Series or from Mighty Max, The Legend of Calamity Jane, Spider-Man and various other Batman-themed series.
Finally, there's Mike Preston, as the head baddie Jared-Syn. Preston started out as a boxer, then took a hard left into a singing career, with several Top 40 hits in the UK. He then became a talk show host after relocating to Australia. It was there he would start acting in earnest, landing his signature role in the Mad Max follow-up, The Road Warrior.
That role was no doubt what got him the titular turn as Jared-Syn here. After that, as before his big-screen successes, he turned mostly to TV for work, cropping up in the likes of The New Mike Hammer, The A-Team, Airwolf, Remington Steele, Hunter, The Facts of Life, Fame, Alien Nation, Jake & The Fatman, Highlander, Baywatch Nights, Renegade, Ellen and, naturally, Law & Order.
Metalstorm is no Road Warrior, to be sure, but it's a lot of mindless fun, even if the plot-line is half-baked and requires extensive notes to comprehend. Indeed, if you're enough of a geek, you might actually enjoy it more after watching the documentary and reading the still photos of the film's script and synopsis, all of which help immeasurably in making heads or tails of the thing.
Or, you can simply check your brain at the door, sit back and relax with a beer or two (or three or four...) and some friends or a particularly understanding girlfriend or wife and enjoy the film for what it is: a silly time-waster meant more to entertain than inspire a lot of thinking.
While the film may not hold up to intense scrutiny, it does have one thing going for it, certainly- the excellent 3-D, which I'm happy to report really holds up to this day. The version of the film I bought is a two-disc set that includes the original version, as well as a regular old 2-D version for those for who such things cause more headaches than a good time.
Check out whichever you want, but just know that the 3-D one is much more enjoyable since it engages in my favorite old-school 3-D gambit: constantly shoving things at the screen for the viewer.
Still, I suppose there's something to be said for the non-3-D version, especially if you get a kick out of either watching such films for exactly that reason. (Fun game: take a drink every time someone or something blatantly comes towards the camera!) Or if you enjoy a goofy Mad Max rip-off or silly 80's action flick.
The acting isn't great, but it's serviceable, and Thomerson is worth his weight in sidekick gold. At first, I was like, what are they thinking, sidelining the hot chick for almost the entirety of the movie, but then I thought about it: would you rather have spent the movie with Preston, who isn't exactly at her finest, acting-wise (and who doesn't get naked here, I might add) or with the wise-cracking Thomerson, who helps ease the film over its slow spots? That's what I thought.
Speaking of which, the film only clocks in at around an hour-and-twenty minutes, and a sizable chunk of that is the ever-popular slow-moving credits filmmakers use to pad out a film's running time when they come up short on usable footage. So, it's not exactly a huge waste of time, just a minimal one that basically zips by pretty quick, so there's that as well.
I definitely recommend the Deluxe Edition Blu-Ray from Shout! Factory, which I picked up for under 10 bucks used, so it won't exactly burn a hole in your pocketbook, either. Granted, you do have to have a 3-D TV to watch that version, which I didn't, but if you do or you know someone, it's worth the extra effort. Even without it, though, it a fun enough flick.
Check it out!
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