I'm back! Did you miss me?
First of all, my apologies for the unintended extended vacation. Unlike a lot of talk shows, I wasn't off taking a holiday or whatever, but rather, I injured my foot and knee and was basically bed-ridden more often than not over the past week.
I was also on heavy medication, so I can't say I watched a lot of stuff, either, save some crappy horror movies on the free Showtime preview we had over Labor Day weekend, which I'm not sure would have been worth writing about, anyway.
(For the record, they were Lady Psycho Killer and- brace yourself- Attack of the Killer Doughnuts. I'm not entirely sure I didn't hallucinate them, given what I was on- or at least wished I did. I think it's safe to say that the titles tell you all you really need to know, though.)
That said, I had planned to launch my long-promised franchise review this week, but for obvious reasons, that didn't happen. However, I did start watching the films, so I decided to kick it off today with a teaser, instead. The reviews will begin in earnest on Monday, by which point I should be completely good to go.
Here's how it will work: I'm doing the first installment on Monday, the second on Wednesday and the third "final" one (yeah, right) on Friday. Then I'll do the lesser-known fourth installment on Monday the 17th, followed by the remake on the 19th, and perhaps some final thoughts and some observations on the TV show on the 21st. After that, regular scheduling will likely resume on the following Monday.
The bad news about losing a week is that the planned low-budget franchise review I was planning to do in between this and my proposed review of the Halloween franchise (including the new one) is probably not going to happen. For one thing, I just wouldn't have time. But fear not, I'll get to it in November!
As for what franchise I'm doing first, I put some serious thought into it, and I wanted to do something that seemed kind of timely for a variety of reasons, but was also fun. So, I started mulling over the potential selections and one franchise stood out to me in particular, especially given the current times we live in.
Perhaps you recall the famous poem featured within the first film, inspired by The Bible:
"When the Jews return to Zion, and a comet rips the sky, and the Holy Roman Empire rises, then you and I must die. From the Eternal Sea, He rises, creating armies on either shore, turning man against his brother, till man exists no more."
As per the movie, the "Eternal Sea" is the raging waters of revolution and turmoil- interpreted as the world of politics. And it just so happens we have a certain figure in the news on a near-constant basis, whose main mission, it seems, is to turn us all against each other, just like in the poem. Could he be Satan himself?
Okay, probably not. For one thing, he-who-shall-not-be-named is too stupid for that. We're talking about a guy who was reportedly duped into not making a world-changing action by the simple act of removing a piece of paper from his desk, which promptly caused him to forget all about it!
Not too bright, there, and those of us who know our Bible know that Satan was one of God's most valued warrior angels before the Fall, which doesn't exactly scream the draft-dodging scoundrel currently occupying the White House.
On the other hand, I suppose all of us rational people should thank our lucky stars- or perhaps that comet ripping the sky- that the guy ISN'T smarter than he is. Otherwise, he could do even more damage than he already is doing- and make no mistake, even as an moron, he qualifies as what the Russians like to call a "useful idiot," or someone who can be used unwittingly to further a dangerous agenda actually controlled by someone of far more superior intellect.
Kind of a cross between a scapegoat and a patsy, in other words. If everything goes south, then you better believe those behind it- on "both sides," as you-know-who likes to say- will cut and run.
After all, they've already accomplished most of their evil agenda. The Ruskies have sowed discord and disorder amongst our people, and caused many to lost faith in our political system. Putin couldn't have asked for better results, much less on such a low-stakes financial investment. Those two sure put the "hell" in Helsinki, that's for sure.
Meanwhile, the conservatives have pushed through a tax cut for the rich, continue to ignore the poor, and are in the process of pushing through another useful idiot- would-be Supreme Court judge Brett Kavanaugh- that will help ensure their agenda remains the dominant one for decades to come.
So, maybe calling Orange Julius Caesar the anti-Christ is a a stretch. He's more like Humperdoo on Preacher. Which is to say, a mentally-retarded doofus only good for one thing: to rile up/entertain the base just enough to keep his ass in a position of power long enough for the really evil ones out there to get shit done. A puppet, in other words.
However, with my franchise selection, we see what might could happen if someone as smart as he is evil grabs the reins of true power, which in a weird way is kind of comforting. As we see in these movies, it could be a lot worse, right?
And yet, in the end- spoiler alert, lol- evil is indeed defeated. So maybe it's not too much to ask that we all get a happy ending of our own, right? Until then, I give you my first franchise review subject, in case you haven't figured it out already!
See you on Monday for the big kick-off, and thanks for hanging in there for me, you little devils! 😈
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